They Who Fear the Canons
by 30SecondGoat
Summary: Spoilers for Chapter 355. Roderick doesn't know how to comfort his friend, so he talks about what he does know: the sea. Mentions of PTSD without naming it.


Roderick walked cautiously down the trail, his eyes scanning the trees and smaller, twisting side-paths for any sign of his target. The ethereal colors and light still played tricks on his mind; a product, he'd been told, of being a human only recently acquainted with the magical world. He was forced to stop more than once as he got his bearings, making sure he hadn't missed the hulking figure of Guts between the dazzling flowers and pools of glistening water.

Again in the back of his mind he wondered at the fantastical direction his life had turned with this adventure. Monsters, sea creatures, demons, elves… and from the stories he had picked up, that hardly scratched the surface. So many things had happened, almost all of which seemed tied directly or indirectly to Guts. And now he was caught in the middle, someone surprised and unsure, tossed about in the maelstrom that was a fight of gods and mortals.

Not that he minded. Roderick was not Magnifico, the infuriating and loveable bastard. He'd known the scheming lad since they were young, and considered him a friend even as he rolled his eyes at the ridiculous antics. No, he lived for this. The adventure, the danger, the mystery. Slowly learning the stories of his various new traveling companions filled him with energy and excitement, and the more he saw and learned, the more he wanted. A never-ending flame of desire for the new, the exciting and the unexplored. There was nothing that could pull him down from where he sat.

At least, that's what he thought. Before the newly-cured woman screamed, and he saw Guts, the strongest man he knew, crumble away.

Guts was the only member of the band Roderick had been unable to completely crack. Most of the rest had shared their stories, or alluded to them enough that he was satisfied. Guts, however, remained an enigma. There was far too much behind his eye to take what he was given at face value; the depths of the pain, the burning rage he'd glimpsed in a fight and the utmost gentility and care when he looked at the woman called Casca had proved that. But try as he might, Roderick was never able to breach the wall Guts had put up. Any questions about his past were met with too-simple explanations: he was a mercenary. He'd seen some battle. He knew Casca from a time before.

_Before what?_

Roderick would never push. That wasn't his way, and everyone had a right to their privacy. Still, he had wanted to know what fires had forged a man so incredibly strong it seemed impossible for him to break.

He stopped walking, his brow furrowing as he glanced between two paths. Had he been here before? Did he circle back? A deep sigh escaped him as he puts his hands on his hips and rested, weighing his options. Double back? Trudge on? Wait?

It was at the suggestion of Farnese that he searched in the first place. She'd gone to him, asking fervently for him to talk to Guts, to be there for him. He'd hesitated, unsure if he would be a wise choice. But in the end, when her large eyes turned to him in pleading, he knew he would go. He couldn't refuse those eyes.

Farnese had grown on him since their adventure together started. Technically they were still engaged, even after all that had happened, but Roderick was nobody's fool. The promise had been a means to an end, as many marriages of their rank were. At first it hadn't bothered him; it was the way things were, after all. He'd even considered himself lucky, considering her beauty, the rumors of her childhood notwithstanding. As time went on, however, he'd watched her more carefully. He had decided that the rumors of her youth and young adult life had to have been fabrications. He saw no headstrong, spoilt savage of a child. Instead he saw a humble and soft woman, caring of Casca and respectful of Schierke. She was strong, learning magic and unafraid to stand before her charge and protect her with her life. Roderick couldn't help a small smile when he saw her light up, excited over the newest door opened in the world of magic or interesting place found. Without consciously realizing it, he knew that he was starting to grow feelings towards this woman he was betrothed to.

And she was infatuated with Guts.

He wasn't angry with her, of course. In fact, he could hardly blame her. His own tastes had included both men and women, and he could say with confidence that Guts was a very impressive man indeed. Neither did he hold anything against the man; Guts hadn't done anything to lead Farnese on, as far as he knew. It was just the way of things. Sometimes those life destined you to are not the ones you desire. He knew he would never measure up to Guts in her eyes. It hurt, on a smaller, primal level. But he understood. His only regret was that, were she to go through with the marriage, she would never be truly happy. He hoped to keep the two of them close enough to remain friends, if that were the case. Her genuine smile was well-worth the small pang of jealousy he would bury at it's sight.

A slight noise broke him from his thoughts, and he peered down one of the paths, straining to listen. Again a soft footstep caught his ear; dampened by the grass and leaves, but heavy with armor. He followed.

Guts was sitting lowering himself onto a rock, his elbows on his knees, eyes staring at something beyond the material world. He didn't react at the approach, and for a moment Roderick wondered again if he shouldn't be the one to do this. Before he could lose his nerve he forced himself to sit on a fallen branch, keeping his eyes up to appreciate the beauty around them instead of the grief before him.

No words were said, and the sounds of Elfhelm's forest surrounded them, seemingly amplified in the heavy silence. In the distance an occasional call went up as the others searched, and Roderick ventured a look at his companion's face.

"You have good friends," he said softly. "It seems many people care for you."

Guts' response was a non-committal grunt. His face didn't move, eyes still focused a hundred miles away, likely on horrors Roderick dared not ask about.

"She is doing alright now," he continued, trying to find something, anything to give the grieving man. "Farnese is with her and she has calmed down."

"Good." The word was barely above a whisper, and Roderick's heart dropped. He wasn't helping; he had no idea how to help. What could you say to someone this badly broken? They told him Casca's condition had been several years old before today. To travel so long, only to be driven away when the destination was finally found… well, he had no idea how that would feel.

"She's worried about you," he supplied. It wasn't completely a lie; Casca had definitely seemed worried when she had come back to herself.

Guts did look at him then, his single eye raising to meet Roderick. The gaze felt hollow. A moment later it returned to whatever had it's attention, miles and years away. "She shouldn't be. She shouldn't have to worry because of me."

Roderick opened his mouth, then closed it again, unable to satisfactorily answer the double-meaning in the statement. Worried when he walked away, troubled when he was there; it certainly did feel helpless.

They were silent a while longer.

"Farnese is sweet on you, you know."

Guts raised his gaze again, the faintest question in his eye. Roderick shrugged; he wasn't sure why he'd brought it up either. But it had seemed to draw his companion back to the present, so he continued.

"I doubt she'd ever admit it. I see it when she looks at you, when she talks to you. Especially when you give her praise," he added, unable to stop his own smile. "She lights up, and is walking on air for the next hour."

Guts opened his mouth, then closed it again, his confusion visibly growing. "You two are engaged; I would never…" he trailed off, and Roderick raised his hand gently.

"I know; I wasn't trying to imply that you would. It's just the way of things, and I hold no grudge." He smiled as disarmingly as he could. "People… it's hard to pin them down. Things are never simple when emotions are concerned. And sometimes, even if we love someone, things don't go as planned."

Guts only stared at him, and Roderick gave him a half-smile. "Yeah, I don't know why I'm sayin' this either. Just something that was on my mind, I guess. If I'm being completely honest, I don't know how far this engagement is gonna go. I mean, I'm all for it, but somehow I don't think Farnese will end up happy playing the part of a bargaining chip. Even if she was the one making the bargain."

There was a pause. "You don't think she'd still marry you?"

"As of right now?" He paused, a finger scratching his cheek. "I'd say it's fifty-fifty. But unless I do something to really impress her, that chance is gonna be going down by the day," he added, smirking. It deepened as he reached over and lightly smacked Guts' knee. "And it'd be easier if you didn't hog all the spotlight! How's a guy supposed to look good around you?"

There was a ghost of a smile on the man's face, and just as quickly a darker expression took over.

"But nobody will look at you and scream."

_Shit, wrong thing to say._ Roderick felt his shoulders slump as Guts' gaze fell once more. It wasn't any good; this wasn't his strong suit. He could command ships and navigate the ocean, not fix… whatever this was. Taking a deep breath, he tried one more approach.

"You know, I've had two crew members… lose it, a bit. Not completely, not like… well, you know." Guts again shifted his attention back, and Roderick pushed on. "They were on my ship during a big battle. Pirates, again, and slightly more skilled than ol' Bonebeard back there. I was not nearly as experienced, and the battle was a rough one. The men… they got trapped, during the canon volley. The ship was damaged, everyone was running around, and we had to keep shooting. Where they were, water kept coming in and leaving, so they constantly felt like they were drowning, only to just barely get air before it happened again."

Guts frowned. "What happened?"

"We won." Roderick smiled somberly. "Took a hell of a beating, but we brought 'em down. By the time we finally found them, both men had one foot in the grave. They survived, but in their heads I guess they weren't quite okay. If either one of them heard the sound of canons, they would start to panic, or cry, or just curl up. No matter what we said, no matter how prepared they tried to be, it just didn't happen. Both of them ended up leaving the ship not long after."

He leaned his back against the tree, staring up at the swirling colors and leaves above him. "One of them never came back; he ended up making a nice living for himself as a baker deep in the city. Got married, has a family now. But," he said, turning back to Guts with a bit more intensity, "The second one didn't give up. He came out every time we fired off a volley, or had a 21 gun salute. Each time he'd make himself stand closer and closer, and he'd flinch less and less. A couple years later, and he was back on the ship."

Guts' attention was fully on him now. "He was cured?"

Roderick paused, thinking. "No, not quite. He still flinches when we fire the guns, and if there's a naval battle, he can't really be under the deck. There's still the scars from what happened, and I don't think those will ever really go away. But he was able to work with what he could do, because he loved the sea. If someone's got a strong enough will, they can do pretty incredible things." He smiled. "And that woman of yours seems pretty determined."

Guts was quiet for a few moments, his eye narrowed in thought. "He did it for his dream," he muttered, and Roderick quirked an eyebrow. Dreams would have to be a conversation for another time.

"But," Guts continued, "If it's not a dream worth fighting for… if it's not worth the effort of getting it back… the first sailor…"

"The one who stayed on the land?"

"Yes."

Roderick nodded slowly. "He was happy. In the end, he was happier staying away instead of with me on my ship. But I do not hold that against him, even if I liked having him on my crew."

Guts gave him a questioning look, and he shrugged. "It's his life. As much as he was an excellent sailor, and someone I wanted for my team, in the end I can't force him to stay. I wouldn't be a very good captain if I tried. We still talk, and I'm happy for him where he is. And he's living a happy life now; how could I hold that against him?"

Guts didn't turn away as quickly this time, and Roderick decided he could count that as at least a partial success. His companion was still contemplative, and he opted to stay silent, partially out of respect and partially because he wasn't sure what else he could say.

The silence stretched more comfortably this time, and the warmth of the surrounding air began to pull on Roderick's eyelids. The softly dancing lights from leaves and dew-covered flowers sent small rainbows cascading across his vision, with the sounds of birds and elf laughter tickling his ears. Thoughts and dreams danced across his half-asleep vision, bringing a slight smile to his face. How easy it would be to just sleep, even if for a moment. Just rest his eyes…

A tap on his knee startled Roderick awake, and he blinked up at the slightly imposing shadow that had fallen over him.

"Careful. Elf magic does weird stuff; you'll fall asleep for a year before you realize it," Guts warned, amused. Roderick laughed, pushing himself to a standing position.

"Appreciate that, chief. Still getting used to all the magic."

"Never makes much sense, no matter how long you're around it. You just learn when to tell it's there," Guts replied cryptically, turning and beginning to walk back up the trail. "They've started calling your name too; probably about time we got you back. Wouldn't want your fiance to worry."

Roderick smiled, jogging to catch up to Guts' longer strides.

"Of course; I would hate to keep my betrothed waiting."

The way back seemed much shorter, and Roderick assumed it was because Guts didn't get turned around in the magical maze quite as often as he had. Soon they were approaching the clearing that had most of the party once again gathered, with a few several paces off, still calling for either him or Guts. He waived his arm as they were spotted, noticing Guts stopping as he did so. When he turned, Guts was looking away.

"Let me know," he said quietly, "if she wants to jump back onto the ship again. I don't want the cannons to scare her before she's ready."

Roderick opened his mouth to respond, then shook his head, smiling. "Of course, boss," he said simply, tapping the back of his fist against Guts' shoulder. Guts gave him a ghost of a smile, then turned and started walking the long way around the clearing back towards the large elven palace tree.

With as charming a smile and posture as he could muster, Roderick turned back to Farnese, Serpico and Shierke approaching him, both smiles and questions on their faces. He'd assuage their fears and concerns while maintaining as much privacy for his comrade as he could manage. Then, hopefully before too long, they could all witness Casca's return to the life she wished, whichever direction that might be.


End file.
